Some news: Yesterday I began writing this very post on Blogger.
Reader: But Gary, why would you do that, don’t you realise that you can write blogs here too!?
Me: Yes, dear reader, I do. But the heat of this place, my work computer’s incompetence and the glitchyness of WordPress broke this camel’s back.
Reader: Do you really think it’s wise to be writing blogs at work, you could get….
Me: Fuck up! So over to blogger I went only to discover that I had an account already. And so I began. I am sure you have noticed, however, that this is not blogger. As a result of what can only be described as monumental glitchyness I am back to the devil I know and am pressing on. WordPressing on! I just wish I could use the template I had on blogger. Twas lovely. I do hope y’all enjoy the following post. It caused me stress. 🙂
And a good day to you all!! I am sitting at my computer trawling through my brain cupboard looking for some interesting plates and cups to share with you all. So while I do that have a look at some fine examples of Engrish I found in a local clothes shop.
The young man to your right is a bag. This bag is good for daily use and sensitivity items. As with the above example I could not justify its purchase. I prefer big profits and don’t mind slower returns.
In other news!
He may look small in this picture but he was a big auld lad so he was. His owner had brought him out for a walk and probably to find himself a ladyfriend. Why else would you even have such an impressive/cute turtle.
Anyway that’s all I have to say on that matter.
More interesting things!!!
<—-Look at that!! There is a story behind this blackened pan. It is a thrilling tale, one of bravery, quick thinking, handsomeness and above all else, it is a story about PIE!!!
To begin, let me take you back about 3 weeks. A young man named Gary had a desire to use his oven for more than just toast and the odd roasted meats (wrapped lovingly in tin foil to lock those juices in). However the young man lacked the resources to further this desire, he needed something, he needed a baking dish!! So the young man set off to his local home and garden center in search for the dish. He searched for many minutes but to no avail, he checked every isle and although the place sells ovens they do not sell anything even close to a baking dish!!!!! So lets just say I was pretty pissed off (yes that young man called Gary is actually this young man called Gary) but not as pissed off (and confused) as when they told me I would have to order a rolling pin….A ROLLING PIN!!! I ended up getting a baking dish online and using my water flask as a rolling pin.
So I was ready to undertake my journey, I had the tools, I had the ingredients and I had the moxy to make a PAIEEE!!!! I decided it was to be a pork and vegetable PY, so I started by making the filling. I realised very quickly that I didn’t have enough pork so I threw some chicken in there so it became a Chicken and Pork AND vegetable 3.14159265!!!!!
“I shall cook it in a pot” I thought to myself, “Yes that will be just dandy”. So I put some oil in and turned the gas stove on full to heat that bad boy up. I was too successful in this endeavor, seconds after I turned the gas on the pot erupted in flames (but only little flames). “Sweet mother of shit” I thought to myself. I quickly turned the gas off and moved the flaming pot to the other hob, it was at this point that all of the oil in the pan decided to catch fire. The flames doubled in size, there was maybe a foot and a half of flame coming out of the pan, not much fire but plenty of potential. I spent about 5 seconds (5 long seconds) thinking “wow, that is not good, I pity the guy who has to deal with that”, I then realised that guy was this guy and had a little panic. I knew throwing water on it would make it worse and it was now too bad to move it anywhere and then it came to me. In my head I sat down at my school desk, opened up my third year science book and casually turned to the chapter on the fire triangle.
“Ok so the fire needs heat, fuel and oxygen to exist so which one should I take away?? Well the fuel is currently on fire so I had best leave that alone. The heat could be taken away with water but oil and water are not good friends when it comes to fire so the logical conclusion is that I should take away the oxygen. Well then, I shall just go ahead and do that.”
The above flashed through my head in about a second and came out of my mouth in the following form: “Shit, shit ok Ineedafuckingtowel!!!”. I bounded across the room with as much gazelle-like prowess as a man of my size can muster, got the biggest towel I saw, wet it (if the towel caught fire too I would be in very hot soup altogether) and flung it on top of the pot. There was many, many smoke and then I put pan out of door and turn on fan all!!
I felt a little like Indiana Jones and McGyver all at once.
No, not Marco Pierre White’s smugness but the Knorr Stock Pot his smugness endorses. My Mother dearest sent them to me and I am a happy man for it. They really are the best thing to happen to cooking…well he says it best.
While the filling was simmering away becoming delicious I decided to make the pastry. Making pastry is a nightmare! It isn’t difficult but by god it is a messy deal I actually thought I was being clever at one point. In an attempt to keep my hands dry I grabbed a handful of flour with which to cover my hands as I kneaded (check that word out) the butter/flour . It did not work. Within seconds my hands looked as if I had sifted through vomit only to find that within that vomit there was naught to be found but vomit.
Let the games begin!!!
What you see before you is the mess I created while preparing my ∏. I have seldom had an excuse to create such a mess so fun times were had by me. Flour is great stuff, it gets EVERYWHERE. By the end of the cooking experience I was hoovering my house, the neighbour’s houses and the cat down the street.
I took me some pictures too. And so I bring you on a journey from ingredients to golden pye.
For the lovely filling I may have used a bit too much flour. I did not hold back, I put about a cup and a half in there. I cant remember what that is in grams but it was about 200ml on my measuring cup. So the filling is nice and thick…I should have added cream. Next time there shall be cream, unless there should not be cream??
There it is, the filling in its little pastry house. Safe and warm, soon to be much warmer and not so safe!! Rolling the pastry was tricky. I had rolled it out and had managed to get it into the dish without it breaking apart and then realised I did not have enough to make the top. So, once more I ventured into the land of sticky hands and made more pastry and just barely squeezed out a top for my pastry satchel.
Almost ready!! The pastry lid is applied and perforated by many fork holes. I hope there is a good reason for doing this, I have just seen people do it when baking stuff so I thought I would do it too. It also looks nice I think. I was going to brush it with just egg yolk but when I tried to separate the first egg the shell just smashed in my hand spilling all of the egg into the bowel so I whisked in another egg and that was that. I made a small omelet from the leftover egg.
And there you have it, cooked and the colour of a healthy lion cub. The corner of the crust is broken because I had to check the side crust to make sure it was not still all doughy. It was not. And so my journey was almost at an end, there was but one more step: The potatoes….I boiled some potatoes. But I fought and slayed an ogre while doing so! Exciting eh? It may have been an ogre from Dragon Age:Origins but that in no way takes away from the fact that I slayed an ogre while boiling potatoes!!
I’m not really sure how appetising that looks but it does taste nice. And since it was my first ever attempt at making a proper PIE I am proud of myself! Mmmm mmmm Pie!
I am afraid I have a small favour to ask of those who can help. As most of you know, I like music but I have a problem. I cannot tell the time signature of a song. I try, I really do, and I know the basic method for doing so but yesterday I was watching a video in which Bill Bailey was complaining about the theme song for The Bill. In the video he goes on to say that original theme goes from 4/4 and then into 7/4. He said the initial “DADA DADA DA” is in 4/4 and then the “De ne ne ne neee ne ne ne nenene ne na na na na na nanana” is in 7/4. And so I was sitting at my desk clapping the beats out, concentrating, I imagine I looked like a seal with a learning disability. And I could count the seven beats and was very happy with myself. He then went on to say that the new theme is all in 4/4. This is where I hit a snag, I listened to every Bill theme song online and still counted seven beats and I do not know what I am doing wrong!! So here is the original theme (you can check if I got dene denes right):
Well I didn’t get the first dada dadas right but there are seven beats there!! Here is the new version (well the version Mr Bailey was talking about):
Ok, I count 7 beats for the first de ne ne ne and then it seems to be 4/4 for the rest of it but I am just not sure!!!! Well if anyone has any idea please feel free to comment/call me an idiot for not knowing time signatures. Well, this may be one of my longer/more boring posts but what can you do but look at the lovely puppy:
It has been a while, I hope you all enjoy this entry, I write this because I want to show my gratitude to all 7 of my readers and as of now, I have over 2000 words. YUSS Ok go away now!! Don’t you have work to do!? Jeez!!